Here’s the conservative moron story of the hour, followed by my own brand of moron-
At a Value Voters Summit over the weekend (expectations are already through the floor), the chief of staff for Tom Coburn, Republican senator from Oklahoma, tells the crowd exactly what they want to hear:
All pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants!
Is he really talking about masturbation? That’s the logical conclusion of watching porn– I say “watching” because there’s no modern 11-year-old boy that would consume printed pornography when there are terabytes available for free viewing online– otherwise, the boy was just a disinterested observer of the very pictures or videos that he sought out in his passion. So let’s assume when he says “pornography” he really means “masturbation”. Let’s fix his statement:
All [masturbation] is homosexual [masturbation] because all [masturbation] turns your sexual drive inwards. And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to [download that gig of Girls Gone Wild]? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants!
Okay, that sounds better already. Next is the problematic “turns your sexual drive inwards”. The only sexual drive you can have in inside your body, so surely he meant something else. Maybe he means that when you masturbate, it makes you want to have sex with yourself, and everyone knows that you are of the same sex that you are, so that means you’re gay! The problem with this, which is the only evidence he tries to give, is that the point of masturbation is to project yourself into a sexual situation where you are satisfied not by yourself (unless you’re John Edwards), but by the woman, midget tranny, or– and here’s where it can get pretty gay– man in the picture or video or daydream, whatever; no one is closing his eyes and fantasizing about being in his own room alone, masturbating quietly so the parents don’t hear. So we can replace the strange “turns your sexual drive inwards” and get rid of the unprofessional second person perspective with “places one in a remote sexual fantasy”. Then there’s the trouble with saying “masturbation” three times in one sentence, so we’ll get rid of a couple. Now let’s see what we’ve got:
All [masturbation] is homosexual because [it] [places one in a remote sexual fantasy]. And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to [download that gig of Girls Gone Wild]? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants!
Some self-respecting playthings
Maybe “all masturbation” could use a little tweaking to make it focus on the real beneficiaries of compassionate conservatism: the people. Let’s replace it with “all those who masturbate,” which in turn can be changed to “nearly everyone”. The chief of staff is “pretty sure” the 11-year-old boy he tries to help will lose interest, but he’s not absolutely sure. The “last thing he wants” is still something he wants, so let’s make that correction, too. And let’s replace “homosexual” with “masturbates” because those are synonymous to the good Chief of Staff. Get rid of all the brackets, change the “do” to “don’t” to fit the tone of the question, and what have we got?
Nearly everyone masturbates because it places one into a remote sexual fantasy. And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, don’t you think he’s going to want to download that gig of Girls Gone Wild? I’m not absolutely sure he’ll lose interest. That’s something he wants!
There is something I generally agree with, which just ends up being an observation. The question remains whether 11-year-old boys, or anyone for that matter, should be watching Girls Gone Wild. I don’t think so; not because it would make little Johnny homosexual (God forbid!), but because it objectifies women and sets Johnny up for a harmful attitude toward girls he will like and women he will work with in his adult life. I believe masturbation is healthy but pornography is more or less harmful for the expectations it makes men put on themselves and on the women that they should respect. When most of the females in Johnny’s head are naked playthings to be used and abused for Johnny’s pleasure, he will consider the women he finds unattractive to be useless, and the women he finds attractive to be useful only to the extent that they can provide that pleasure. With that mindset, Johnny is really missing out on the contributions of over half of the population of the world.
So what is Johnny or anyone to do if he can’t look at pornography? A good rule: make every sexual experience your own. That means using your own imagination– and sure, that mind will probably be full of real, live girls that you know or have seen in real life– not a cold video of distant strangers; it means seeking out girls who don’t just appeal to you sexually, but girls that you can talk to and love so that if you ever have a sexual concern, discussing it won’t be such a big deal; and just being concerned with yourself, your partner, and the expectations of both, untainted by the images and messed up priorities of the industry that only wants to sell you other people’s sexual encounters. Make sex as warm, intimate, and realistic as possible.